Who wants ice cream?

A few years back I tried to open up an ice cream shop (Bryan’s Cones) in a cozy mini mall in a suburban neighbourhood. After 2 frustrating and costly weeks my venture failed. In hindsight I think my problem was my marketing strategy, but I’m not sure where I went wrong. I am posting a chronological listing of my store promotions on this blog in the hopes that someone can analyze my strategy and help me figure out why all those losers out there stopped buying my ice cream. 

• Join our mailing list and receive 1 free Cone in your regular home mail!

• Bryan’s Cones, now 99.9% spider venom free!

• Buy a Cone and I’ll throw a free scoop of any flavour at your abdomen!

• Buy 200 Cones and receive a free massage!

• Try our new sausage flavoured Cone! Perfect for breakfast!

• Join the Bryan’s Cones Kids Cult!

• Bryan’s Cones, unlike our competition we are not an obvious front for human trafficking!

• Buy my Cones or I’ll punch you in the face!

• Please buy my Cones so I can get my kidney back from the pawn shop!

• Special feature Cones this week contain the antidote to the poison that was in last week’s Cones!

• BUY MY CONES OR I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I WILL END YOU!!!!!!!!

So, if any business whiz out there could have a look and tell me what I could do differently next time I will show my appreciation my mailing you a box of stale ice cream cones (some fire damage). 

Bryan