Take that Feng Shui!

Reclutter your life!

Many leading experts recommend caring for your environment at home and at work by reducing the number of items you own and by organizing them logically to increase their utility. They claim that by taming your chaotic environment you can improve your mood and your productivity. These leading experts are 100% full of goldfish turds.

Clutter is the only healthy medium for true relaxation. A clean and organized environment can only nurture feelings of perfectionism, sterility, and germ phobia. A cluttered living space gives the mind permission to let go of anxiety by reminding the subconscious that your clutter is OK because the natural world is a thriving nest of pure chaos.

The proof of the healing power of slothfulness is all around us. Among the cleanest environments you will discover are the environments of people suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Their homes are neat and tidy while their minds are constantly in brain stabbing anguish without relief. Among the most cluttered environments you will discover are the environments of university students. Nothing is neat, nothing is ordered, and much of the space is unusable. Consider the demeanor of the university student; they are calm and carefree in their dens of chaos.

It is important to distinguish clutter from mess. Clutter refers to a lack of organization and utility of items, mess refers to a lack of sanitation and an abundance of disease. To the uneducated eye children and pets are sources of clutter; unfortunately they are actually sources of mess. This creates an additional challenge to parents and pet owners who wish to tap into the healing power of clutter because they must be agents of clutter and agents of cleanliness simultaneously.

Useful tips for improving your mood through clutter:

- Open floor space creates discomfort in the mind by suggesting that your life is empty. Fill any open floor space with papers, bags, or discarded clothing.

- Drawers are sources of serenity because clutter builds up in them naturally. All you need to do is not clean them out and they will accumulate clutter passively.

- Ordered shelves promote rigid thoughts leading to feelings of confinement. Mix up your DvDs, books, and knickknacks in a big pile and plunk them on and around the shelves in the order you pick them up. Advanced clutterers may leave the pile of items in the middle of the floor indefinitely.

- You can be cluttered with your organic items by mismanaging the fridge and pantry. Channel your inner university student by keeping only a bottle of mustard and a box of baking soda in the fridge. Be aware of offensive odours and be sure to eliminate them quickly – they are indicative of mess and not of clutter.

- Each morning when you get out of bed leave it as it is. Who are you making the bed for anyway? There is no bed inspector. Trust me, I’ve checked.

- Avoid folding socks into pairs when they come out of the laundry. Now when you wake up in the morning you get to play a round of Sock Scavenger Hunt before you start your day. This increases mental acuity and engages natural adrenaline to promote wakefulness.

Watch out for angles of agony! Any parallel or perpendicular angles in your home promote feelings of rigidity and confinement. Combating angles is one of the best ways of freeing yourself from home-imprisonment and it is usually easy to find angles to alter. For example: push the pictures on your walls so that they are slightly askew, make sure books or magazines do not line up with the edges of your tables, and prop dressers and tables up slightly on one end so that they are not level. This may sound like absurdity to most people until you keep in mind that confining angles can only be 90 or 180 degrees while freedom angles can have any value you want (except for 90 or 180). Consider the role that confining angles play in breaking the will of people in prison cells. Do you want your home to be a prison cell?

If you follow these easy steps your life could be an unlimited fountain of chocolate covered bliss... or you could have a psychotic episode.