At least they won't swipe your lunch!

Practical Voodoo Curses for the Modern Office Employee

Lesson 2

Instant Temp Agency

Good help is so hard to find nowadays. This is especially true in the case of temporary or casual staffing for menial positions. People hired for temp work often do a less than adequate job because they have no personal connection to the work and the compensation is paltry at best. If you have temporary coverage needs and you don’t feel like trying your luck with the temp pool you have another option to consider, zombification. Let the living dead work for you!

How to raise a temporary worker from the dead and how to enslave them

Collect the following materials:

- A stapler capable of stapling 8 sheets of paper together with relative ease (tip: load and test your stapler BEFORE you start the ritual)

- A copy of your employee training manual

- A computer monitor 21” (measured diagonally) or larger

- An unopened jug of water from the water cooler

- An assistant with a high powered assault rifle (tip: make damn sure that this piece of equipment is fully loaded and functional BEFORE you start the ritual)

- A prepared copy of form 87Z – Enslavement of Non-Living or Extra Dimensional Beings from your HR department

- Sensible shoes – preferably running shoes

Step 1

Place the computer monitor on the floor with the water jug behind it. Open the jug and insert the monitor’s connection cable into the jug until the plug touches the bottom. Make sure the monitor is facing away from you and anyone else native to this dimension at all times.

Step 2

Find the section of the employee training manual that states your company’s policy on appropriate use of the internet. Read this section of the manual backwards six times. If you complete the incantation properly the water in the jug should begin to boil.

CAUTION!

At this point the computer monitor will begin to emit a blue glow similar to the “blue screen of death” as a portal to the underworld opens on the screen. It is extremely important that you do not look directly into the afterlife no matter how curious you may be. The effect of the underworld on beings from this dimension is… unfortunate.

Step 3

As the portal to the underworld opens it will grow to fill the entire screen of the monitor. The portal will inevitably try to expand beyond the monitor to create a rift capable of pulling in a city-sized fragment of this dimension. Use the stapler to staple the edges of the portal when they try to seep out past the monitor. The staples act as extra-dimensional anchors and they form an inescapable boundary for the portal. Expect to use at least 25-30 staples total to anchor the portal completely.

Step 4

Once the portal is stable you can begin the second incantation. Read every third word of the section of the employee training manual that outlines the company’s policy on sick days. Continue repeating the incantation until a zombie pushes its way through the portal. Zombies are fairly pliable so it shouldn’t have much difficulty squeezing through the portal as long as the monitor is big enough. Use of a smaller computer monitor is not recommended – you don’t want to be stuck clearing up a zombie jam.

Step 5

As you summon your zombie there will inevitably be imps and other lesser demons that take advantage of the open portal to this world. Have your assistant blast these intruders with the rifle as they swarm in. If the imps overwhelm your assistant and start removing his skin first kick over the water jug to sever the portal then make use of your running shoes and get the hell out of there.

Step 6

Once your zombie is fully through the portal sever the ritual by pulling the monitor plug out of the water jug.

Step 7

Pacify the zombie by singing “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” by The Beach Boys. When the zombie is pacified present the 87Z form to the zombie for signing. Now that you have a zombie slave place them in the appropriate position in your company.

Be aware of the terms of the Supernatural Workforce Act! In Canada you can only summon a zombie, demon, or thrall if they are working in a temporary vacancy where the regular worker is still considered to be employed (maternity leave, short term disability, etc.) or in a vacancy that is in the process of being filled by a worker from this dimension. In the USA the rules are a bit more lenient if the origin of the supernatural slave is from a licensed American summoning firm and the employer provides Social Security payments equivalent to those of a regular full time human employee. 

When your zombie slave is no longer needed or the smell becomes unbearable simply remove the zombie’s head by any means available and burn the remains.