Local Man Divines Meaning of Life

LACOMBE, AB – Local roofer and amateur philosopher Doug Fitzpatrick reported on Monday that he discovered the undeniable meaning to all of human existence on Friday night while he was watching hockey. “It just came to me” said Fitzpatrick who added that he wasn’t sure whether the outcome of the hockey game or the bag of pretzel sticks he was eating contributed to the discovery. At the University of Calgary the news was received with cautious excitement by the Department of Philosophy; followed by skepticism and outright dismissal when Fitzpatrick was unable to present his findings. According to Fitzpatrick his discovery was legitimate but he lost the meaning of life later that evening after drinking too much alcohol. “I wanted to celebrate” stated Fitzpatrick who explained that after he discovered the meaning of all human existence he called his friend Marty over to toast the occasion. “We drank about twelve pilsners each and then Marty broke out a bottle of Wild Turkey” stated Fitzpatrick “By the end of the night neither of us could think straight and when I woke up on Saturday I couldn’t remember the meaning of life.” Professors from the U of C asked Fitzpatrick why he didn’t write the meaning of life down somewhere. “I wrote it down on a paper towel” replied Fitzpatrick “but Marty used it to wipe up some puke and now we can’t make it out.” He went on to say “I think one of the words is friendship – but it might just be Cheezie dust”. The paper towel was submitted to a forensics laboratory at the U of C but so far there have been no promising results. If the meaning of life is recovered and found to be legitimate the puke-stained Cheezie crusted paper towel may be the most important document in human history.

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