At least they won't swipe your lunch!

Practical Voodoo Curses for the Modern Office Employee

Lesson 2

Instant Temp Agency

Good help is so hard to find nowadays. This is especially true in the case of temporary or casual staffing for menial positions. People hired for temp work often do a less than adequate job because they have no personal connection to the work and the compensation is paltry at best. If you have temporary coverage needs and you don’t feel like trying your luck with the temp pool you have another option to consider, zombification. Let the living dead work for you!

How to raise a temporary worker from the dead and how to enslave them

Collect the following materials:

- A stapler capable of stapling 8 sheets of paper together with relative ease (tip: load and test your stapler BEFORE you start the ritual)

- A copy of your employee training manual

- A computer monitor 21” (measured diagonally) or larger

- An unopened jug of water from the water cooler

- An assistant with a high powered assault rifle (tip: make damn sure that this piece of equipment is fully loaded and functional BEFORE you start the ritual)

- A prepared copy of form 87Z – Enslavement of Non-Living or Extra Dimensional Beings from your HR department

- Sensible shoes – preferably running shoes

Step 1

Place the computer monitor on the floor with the water jug behind it. Open the jug and insert the monitor’s connection cable into the jug until the plug touches the bottom. Make sure the monitor is facing away from you and anyone else native to this dimension at all times.

Step 2

Find the section of the employee training manual that states your company’s policy on appropriate use of the internet. Read this section of the manual backwards six times. If you complete the incantation properly the water in the jug should begin to boil.

CAUTION!

At this point the computer monitor will begin to emit a blue glow similar to the “blue screen of death” as a portal to the underworld opens on the screen. It is extremely important that you do not look directly into the afterlife no matter how curious you may be. The effect of the underworld on beings from this dimension is… unfortunate.

Step 3

As the portal to the underworld opens it will grow to fill the entire screen of the monitor. The portal will inevitably try to expand beyond the monitor to create a rift capable of pulling in a city-sized fragment of this dimension. Use the stapler to staple the edges of the portal when they try to seep out past the monitor. The staples act as extra-dimensional anchors and they form an inescapable boundary for the portal. Expect to use at least 25-30 staples total to anchor the portal completely.

Step 4

Once the portal is stable you can begin the second incantation. Read every third word of the section of the employee training manual that outlines the company’s policy on sick days. Continue repeating the incantation until a zombie pushes its way through the portal. Zombies are fairly pliable so it shouldn’t have much difficulty squeezing through the portal as long as the monitor is big enough. Use of a smaller computer monitor is not recommended – you don’t want to be stuck clearing up a zombie jam.

Step 5

As you summon your zombie there will inevitably be imps and other lesser demons that take advantage of the open portal to this world. Have your assistant blast these intruders with the rifle as they swarm in. If the imps overwhelm your assistant and start removing his skin first kick over the water jug to sever the portal then make use of your running shoes and get the hell out of there.

Step 6

Once your zombie is fully through the portal sever the ritual by pulling the monitor plug out of the water jug.

Step 7

Pacify the zombie by singing “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” by The Beach Boys. When the zombie is pacified present the 87Z form to the zombie for signing. Now that you have a zombie slave place them in the appropriate position in your company.

Be aware of the terms of the Supernatural Workforce Act! In Canada you can only summon a zombie, demon, or thrall if they are working in a temporary vacancy where the regular worker is still considered to be employed (maternity leave, short term disability, etc.) or in a vacancy that is in the process of being filled by a worker from this dimension. In the USA the rules are a bit more lenient if the origin of the supernatural slave is from a licensed American summoning firm and the employer provides Social Security payments equivalent to those of a regular full time human employee. 

When your zombie slave is no longer needed or the smell becomes unbearable simply remove the zombie’s head by any means available and burn the remains.

Take that Feng Shui!

Reclutter your life!

Many leading experts recommend caring for your environment at home and at work by reducing the number of items you own and by organizing them logically to increase their utility. They claim that by taming your chaotic environment you can improve your mood and your productivity. These leading experts are 100% full of goldfish turds.

Clutter is the only healthy medium for true relaxation. A clean and organized environment can only nurture feelings of perfectionism, sterility, and germ phobia. A cluttered living space gives the mind permission to let go of anxiety by reminding the subconscious that your clutter is OK because the natural world is a thriving nest of pure chaos.

The proof of the healing power of slothfulness is all around us. Among the cleanest environments you will discover are the environments of people suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Their homes are neat and tidy while their minds are constantly in brain stabbing anguish without relief. Among the most cluttered environments you will discover are the environments of university students. Nothing is neat, nothing is ordered, and much of the space is unusable. Consider the demeanor of the university student; they are calm and carefree in their dens of chaos.

It is important to distinguish clutter from mess. Clutter refers to a lack of organization and utility of items, mess refers to a lack of sanitation and an abundance of disease. To the uneducated eye children and pets are sources of clutter; unfortunately they are actually sources of mess. This creates an additional challenge to parents and pet owners who wish to tap into the healing power of clutter because they must be agents of clutter and agents of cleanliness simultaneously.

Useful tips for improving your mood through clutter:

- Open floor space creates discomfort in the mind by suggesting that your life is empty. Fill any open floor space with papers, bags, or discarded clothing.

- Drawers are sources of serenity because clutter builds up in them naturally. All you need to do is not clean them out and they will accumulate clutter passively.

- Ordered shelves promote rigid thoughts leading to feelings of confinement. Mix up your DvDs, books, and knickknacks in a big pile and plunk them on and around the shelves in the order you pick them up. Advanced clutterers may leave the pile of items in the middle of the floor indefinitely.

- You can be cluttered with your organic items by mismanaging the fridge and pantry. Channel your inner university student by keeping only a bottle of mustard and a box of baking soda in the fridge. Be aware of offensive odours and be sure to eliminate them quickly – they are indicative of mess and not of clutter.

- Each morning when you get out of bed leave it as it is. Who are you making the bed for anyway? There is no bed inspector. Trust me, I’ve checked.

- Avoid folding socks into pairs when they come out of the laundry. Now when you wake up in the morning you get to play a round of Sock Scavenger Hunt before you start your day. This increases mental acuity and engages natural adrenaline to promote wakefulness.

Watch out for angles of agony! Any parallel or perpendicular angles in your home promote feelings of rigidity and confinement. Combating angles is one of the best ways of freeing yourself from home-imprisonment and it is usually easy to find angles to alter. For example: push the pictures on your walls so that they are slightly askew, make sure books or magazines do not line up with the edges of your tables, and prop dressers and tables up slightly on one end so that they are not level. This may sound like absurdity to most people until you keep in mind that confining angles can only be 90 or 180 degrees while freedom angles can have any value you want (except for 90 or 180). Consider the role that confining angles play in breaking the will of people in prison cells. Do you want your home to be a prison cell?

If you follow these easy steps your life could be an unlimited fountain of chocolate covered bliss... or you could have a psychotic episode.

Practical Voodoo

Practical Voodoo Curses for the Modern Office Employee

Lesson one

Coffee Pot Booby Trap:

One of the most serious offenses in an office setting is failing to make a fresh pot of coffee when you finish off the previous pot. To weasel out of making a new pot of coffee there are people out there who will leave a thin puddle of coffee in the pot so that they can argue that they did not completely finish the coffee. Follow these easy steps to help your coworkers understand the importance of coffee etiquette.

Collect the following materials:
- A one pound bag of dark roast Starbucks coffee (whole bean, Sumatra)
- A rag soaked in low fat coffee cream
- A coffee mug with your company logo
- A vial of intern tears
- A blue ball point pen with a plastic cap taken from the supply room geographically closest to Port-Au-Prince, Haiti
- Your company’s mission statement

Place the mug on the burner of the coffee maker and turn it on.

Lay the unopened bag of Starbucks on the table next to the coffee maker with the Starbucks emblem facing up.

Drain the tears into the coffee cup.

Once the tears start to produce steam, stuff the rag into the cup.

Chant your company’s mission statement over and over while you lift the pen over your head and slowly remove the cap.

Continue chanting as you stab the pen forcefully into the bag of coffee through the Starbucks emblem. Keep stabbing until you can have created a 2-7cm hole in the bag.

Hold the torn bag over your head and let the beans cascade onto your head and shoulders until the bag is empty.

Seize the mug from the coffee maker and throw it at the floor so that it shatters. Once the cup shatters you may stop chanting the mission statement.

Clean up the area but leave one shard of the broken coffee cup in the water reservoir of the coffee machine.

Anyone who insults the spirits by failing to refill the coffee pot will be beset by sticky keyboard keys, phishing emails, and at least one paper cut every week until they appease the spirits by buying chocolate dipped doughnuts for the whole office.

Local Man Divines Meaning of Life

LACOMBE, AB – Local roofer and amateur philosopher Doug Fitzpatrick reported on Monday that he discovered the undeniable meaning to all of human existence on Friday night while he was watching hockey. “It just came to me” said Fitzpatrick who added that he wasn’t sure whether the outcome of the hockey game or the bag of pretzel sticks he was eating contributed to the discovery. At the University of Calgary the news was received with cautious excitement by the Department of Philosophy; followed by skepticism and outright dismissal when Fitzpatrick was unable to present his findings. According to Fitzpatrick his discovery was legitimate but he lost the meaning of life later that evening after drinking too much alcohol. “I wanted to celebrate” stated Fitzpatrick who explained that after he discovered the meaning of all human existence he called his friend Marty over to toast the occasion. “We drank about twelve pilsners each and then Marty broke out a bottle of Wild Turkey” stated Fitzpatrick “By the end of the night neither of us could think straight and when I woke up on Saturday I couldn’t remember the meaning of life.” Professors from the U of C asked Fitzpatrick why he didn’t write the meaning of life down somewhere. “I wrote it down on a paper towel” replied Fitzpatrick “but Marty used it to wipe up some puke and now we can’t make it out.” He went on to say “I think one of the words is friendship – but it might just be Cheezie dust”. The paper towel was submitted to a forensics laboratory at the U of C but so far there have been no promising results. If the meaning of life is recovered and found to be legitimate the puke-stained Cheezie crusted paper towel may be the most important document in human history.

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