How To Prepare For Winter
For those unfortunate individuals living in climates where the winter months are marked by freezing temperatures and slippery sidewalks it is imperative to properly prepare for the hazards of the season. To help the public I have compiled an easy to use checklist of tasks to streamline the process of completing these preparations.
Check off items as they are completed:
- Take an inventory of the furniture you own, identify which items could be burned for warmth if your furnace goes out.
- Buy a reliable urn for boiling large amounts of water. Use pots of boiling water to melt ice off your sidewalks and walkways instead of shovelling because it does a more thorough job.
- Replace the windshield washer fluid in your car with vodka, because vodka doesn’t freeze.
- Eat 5% of your body weight in lard every day for 1 week as soon as it starts getting cold. After the week is over increase your intake to 10% for the remainder of the winter.
- Buy clothing that is 2 sizes too small. The constriction of the tight clothing will prevent the coldness from riding around your body through your blood vessels.
- Fight Seasonal Affective Disorder by wearing dark sunglasses and boarding up your windows during spring, summer, and fall so you are conditioned to the dark.
- Book time off to go to Vancouver and spend your time in coffee shops eavesdropping on conversations and laughing at Vancouverites who complain about the “cold” weather.
- Stock up on abominable snowman traps.
- Lay as many ice cube trays as you can over all the flat surfaces in your yard and on your roof. Regularly collect the cubes in green garbage bags and store them safely until summer when their value increases drastically. The profit you make will offset the costs of heating your home in winter.
- Keep large jars of pennies in your vehicle. If you are driving to work on a cold day, fling handfuls of pennies out the window of your car at regular intervals.
- Every time you get a cold or flu during the year make sure you capture and culture the bacteria that caused the infection. Look ahead in the weather forecast and re-infect yourself 2-3 days before any particularly bad weather so that you can call in sick to work.
- Maintain a stable of emperor penguins and train them in covert operations, advanced hand-to-and combat, and explosive munitions. When Obenifica, Demon Queen of Ice invades our dimension it will be up to the legions of penguin shock troops to prevent the annihilation of the human race at the hands of extra-dimensional flesh eating demonic flying squid creatures. Trust me.
