Lacerate some cushioned floor covering!

Do the Intergalactic Twist!

The Intergalactic Twist is a new dance craze that is sweeping the universe! The Intergalactic Twist is so fun it makes any other dance seem like wading through neck deep pools of rancid sour cream! The invention of the Intergalactic Twist is by far the most important event in human history, easily eclipsing lesser milestones in human development including space exploration, the pyramids at Giza, and the discovery of fire. It takes mere seconds to learn and over a century to master. With the Intergalactic Twist you can move to any music, no music, or the sound of jets taking off.

All you need to do is master one incredible move…

The arm flail!

Firstly you totally relax your arms and hands, for this move you will be trying to have no conscious muscle movement in your arms at all.

Secondly you twist your body at the hips from left to right as hard and fast as you can. Your arms should start to sway from side to side.

Lastly you bend forward and backward as your arms and hands get up to speed. Now they should be flailing in all directions. Don’t be troubled if your flailing arms knock over vases, plasma screen TV’s, or loved ones, it’s all part of the dance!

Advanced twisters may duct tape staplers to their hands for a more authentic Intergalactic Twist experience.  

I smell a lawsuit!

Updated fast food coffee cup warnings!

Do not use this cup to smother a grease fire!

Do not allow children under age 25 to pour the contents of this cup onto irritated badgers!

Do not rely on this cup to ward off evil spirits!

Do not put the contents of this cup on a nice little salad instead of raspberry vinaigrette!

Do not expose the contents of this cup to gamma radiation!

Do not do anything I wouldn’t do with the contents of this cup!

Maybe you'd be better off just not getting sick at all. Just a thought.

Lately a hot topic has been the waiting times in emergency rooms. Some Canadian hospitals have posted a live estimate of wait times online, but the usefulness of these sites is dubious because it doesn’t take into account that times vary based on the urgency of the ailment. For your convenience I have compiled the REAL Emergency Room waiting times list.

Broken arm: 7 hours

Concussion: 6 hours

Child with the sniffles: 2 days

Compulsive bribery: 44 seconds

Hypochondriasis: Indefinitely

Object inserted into nose: Until the rest of the patients stop giggling

Werewolf bites: Until 4 hours before the next full moon

Video Gamer’s Cramp: Varies based on health potion availability

Hallucinations: Until the leprechaun gives his assent by kicking the dignity

Football in the groin: Until the YouTube video gets 10,000 hits

Addiction to nudity: Time varies based on physical fitness of the patient

Delusions of Grandeur: Right away sire!

Extra arm growing from forehead: 45 minutes to oil the chainsaw

Salvador Dali Disease: Until maintenance gets here with a bucket

Airborne Extremely Contagious Always Lethal Disease (AECALD): Far too long

Me helpy!

Useful home remedies!

• To alleviate a sore throat eat 2 ½ gallons of Miracle Whip (It really is a miracle!)
• To remove an unwanted tattoo all you need is 3 sheets of coarse grain sandpaper and an Extra-Strength Tylenol!
• For foot fungus (athlete’s foot) a useful thing to do is to cover your feet in white glue, allow them to dry, then cover with socks and get on with your day. Repeat as needed.
• Cheating on a diet without gaining weight is as easy as tasty tasty pie when you use food colouring to colour all your fatty foods green. The digestive tract always figures that green food is healthy food!
• To mend a strained relationship with your Partner try rubbing garlic sausage under your armpits. It works especially well if you do it while the argument is still raging.
• For children who get sassy about going to bed at bedtime, take a remedy from nature. Like the common garden spider, weave a duct tape web (sticky side out) and place it in front of the TV/video games of your children. When they become entangled in the tape, simply roll them up like sausage rolls and carry them off to bed. The beauty of this method is that the more they struggle the more tired they will become!

Proof that I'm not crazy!

A lesser known household pest, the invisible hedgehog!

Characteristics:

The common North American invisible hedgehogs are quite a nuisance and can be found anywhere there are humans to sustain them. Their name is something of a misnomer as invisible hedgehogs are in fact quite visible, they have simply evolved a survival trait where they instinctively move themselves quickly and discreetly out of people’s field of vision making them effectively invisible. Invisible hedgehogs are approximately 15cm in diameter, which is large enough to cause trouble, and small enough to be easily overlooked.

Behaviour:

Invisible hedgehogs thrive on confusion and mayhem. Many zoologists hypothesize that the troublesome ways of the invisible hedgehog are designed to distract hedgehog hosts in order to maintain invisibility. Others believe that the invisible hedgehog is the compulsive jokester of the animal kingdom and their pranks provide them with cheap laughs to satisfy their twisted sense of humour. Their keen senses and amazing agility open up a wide range of possibilities for causing trouble.

Foraging:

Invisible hedgehogs eat food that people forget about, especially from pantries and refrigerators. Using keen observation of their host an invisible hedgehog stalks prey selectively and eats only food which will not be missed by the host. It is important to understand that unwanted food is not necessarily forgotten food. For instance an invisible hedgehog will pass up leftover tuna casserole left on a counter, but a can of asparagus in a cupboard that was bought for some new recipe that never ended up being made is fair game for invisible hedgehogs. If more than one person in a home has an invisible hedgehog their cross-feeding may be the start of any number of food related arguments.

Mating:

The mating habits of the invisible hedgehog are quite hard to study as they are so good at staying unseen. We do know however that once a hedgehog has been around a host for two decades or so they have enough understanding of their host’s habits that they can delicately intervene to shape their host’s behaviour to suit their needs. When invisible hedgehogs fall in love it is only reasonable that they force their hosts to move in with each other. Relationships that seem to form between humans who are logically unsuitable for each other may actually be facilitated by invisible hedgehogs!

How to tell if you have an invisible hedgehog:

• If you occasionally trip over nothing(?) while climbing stairs or rounding a corner you are likely tripping over an invisible hedgehog!
• If you sometimes walk into a room and suddenly forget the reason why you went to the room in the first place, it may be an invisible hedgehog distracting you so you don’t catch on to the invisible hedgehog’s current scheme!
• If you have a dog and they occasionally bark with no apparent cause they may be barking at an invisible hedgehog!
• If you smell a fart and no one in the room looks guilty it may in fact be the fart of an invisible hedgehog!
• If you find yourself waking up at night for no apparent reason it’s probably because you were prodded by an invisible hedgehog!
• If you clean your windows or dishes properly and later you see spots appearing on them you may have successfully captured the footprints of an invisible hedgehog!
• If you are confronted by a co-worker about an urgent email that they sent you and you did not reply because you never saw an email from them, an invisible hedgehog may in fact have deleted the email when you glanced away from your computer screen!
• If someone mentions lice to you and your scalp starts to itch it’s likely not a psychosomatic reaction, it’s probably an invisible hedgehog messing with you!

Recommendations:

In any case there is only one sure way to slow down the meddling of invisible hedgehogs. Invisible hedgehogs are shy and reclusive by nature so they really hate it when people acknowledge their existence. The next time something unexplained happens (likely due to invisible hedgehog mischief) you can temporarily slow down the havoc by cursing your invisible hedgehog out loud. The stronger and more forceful the curse the more intimidated your invisible hedgehog will be.