With Christmas looming and shopping days dwindling one of the major stressors of the
year is building. You haven’t bought your Christmas presents yet. Even worse, the people
you have to buy for have already bought things for you. They are sitting under the tree
right now – taunting you. If only you knew what they bought you, then you could make
sure that your gift is equally thoughtful (or maybe even a few bucks more “thoughtful”).
Unwrapping the gifts isn’t an option because there’s no way you’ll be able to reassemble
the wrapping nearly enough. You are going to have to guess.

To aid in this process I have created a guide on estimating the contents of unopened
Christmas gifts based on the size of the box.

Big box! What could it be?

Is it heavy?

• Snow tires
• 4 dozen stolen library books
• Ground beef for a year
• A drum of crude oil
• A human corpse


Is it light?

• A stuffed walrus
• A helium balloon with a dirty word on it
• 12 cubic feet of puffed wheat
• A pair of earrings and a lot of crumpled up newspaper
• Schrödinger’s Cat (but is it alive?)
• Influenza H2N1


Medium sized box! What could it be?

Is it flat?

• A sweater
• A Christmas sweater
• An ugly Christmas sweater
• Well it could be something else… but it isn’t


Is it breadbox sized?

• A breadbox
• A blender
• A colony of fire ants
• A collection of prescription bottles half full of expired antipsychotics


Is it heavy?

• Dirt

• A box of hammers
• A loaf of blue cheese
• $50,000 in small unmarked bills
• Hundreds of pictures of you sleeping that were taken by someone standing outside
your bedroom window


Does it rattle when you shake it?

• Owl pellets
• A jar of toenails
• A live diamondback rattlesnake
• Several damaged bottles of nitro glycerine


Small box! What could it be?

Is it long and skinny?

• A box of Bic pens (stolen from work)
• A bracelet made from human teeth
• A swatch of Mao Tse-Tung’s armpit hair
• A smelt in a box!


Does it look like a ring box?

• The missing evidence in the JFK assassination case
• The keys to a 1987 Ford Fiesta
• African pickled Tsetse fly jam
• A preserved piece of used chewing gum


I sincerely hope this list helps you to divine the gift giving intentions of your loved ones
so that you can repay their gestures with an appropriate response.

More things you need to know!

How To Prepare For Winter

For those unfortunate individuals living in climates where the winter months are marked by freezing temperatures and slippery sidewalks it is imperative to properly prepare for the hazards of the season. To help the public I have compiled an easy to use checklist of tasks to streamline the process of completing these preparations.

Check off items as they are completed:

• Take an inventory of the furniture you own, identify which items could be burned for warmth if your furnace goes out.

• Buy a reliable urn for boiling large amounts of water. Use pots of boiling water to melt ice off your sidewalks and walkways instead of shovelling because it does a more thorough job.

• Replace the windshield washer fluid in your car with vodka, because vodka doesn’t freeze.

• Eat 5% of your body weight in lard every day for 1 week as soon as it starts getting cold. After the week is over increase your intake to 10% for the remainder of the winter.

• Buy clothing that is 2 sizes too small. The constriction of the tight clothing will prevent the coldness from riding around your body through your blood vessels.

• Fight Seasonal Affective Disorder by wearing dark sunglasses and boarding up your windows during spring, summer, and fall so you are conditioned to the dark.

• Book time off to go to Vancouver and spend your time in coffee shops eavesdropping on conversations and laughing at Vancouverites who complain about the “cold” weather.

• Stock up on abominable snowman traps.

• Lay as many ice cube trays as you can over all the flat surfaces in your yard and on your roof. Regularly collect the cubes in green garbage bags and store them safely until summer when their value increases drastically. The profit you make will offset the costs of heating your home in winter.

• Keep large jars of pennies in your vehicle. If you are driving to work on a cold day, fling handfuls of pennies out the window of your car at regular intervals.

• Every time you get a cold or flu during the year make sure you capture and culture the bacteria that caused the infection. Look ahead in the weather forecast and re-infect yourself 2-3 days before any particularly bad weather so that you can call in sick to work.

• Maintain a stable of emperor penguins and train them in covert operations, advanced hand-to-and combat, and explosive munitions. When Obenifica, Demon Queen of Ice invades our dimension it will be up to the legions of penguin shock troops to prevent the annihilation of the human race at the hands of extra-dimensional flesh eating demonic flying squid creatures. Trust me.  

The best part of waking up!

An Ode to Coffee:

Hail to thee oh urn of bliss
Your wafting smell is heaven’s gate
From night’s stupefied abyss
Shall I be free ere once I taste
Coffee’s sweet and bitter kiss

What miracle is this?
A liquid born of percolation
Can give my mind such lubrication
True metamorphosis

My eyes are wide, my speech verbose
Such power in my every whim
Then I catch an errant doze
The feeling now is getting thin
I think I need another dose

What miracle is this?
A liquid born of percolation
Can give my mind such lubrication
True metamorphosis

I drain my mug in record dashes
My throat is starting to get raw
Another stream of coffee splashes
Past my gums and teeth and jaw
I notice that my eyeball spasms

What miracle is this?
A liquid born of percolation
Can give my mind such lubrication
True metamorphosis

Jitters overtake my fingers
My bladder threatens to explode
And yet the craving ever lingers
Fearing headache pangs untold
If my coffee intake wavers

What demon spawn of hell is this?
The putrid sludge in the carafe
Rends my sanity in half
True metamorphosis

I start to laugh maniacally
My speech is faster than my thought
I pace the halls relentlessly
While I wait for a fresh pot
Maybe I should switch to tea

What demon spawn of hell is this?
The putrid sludge in the carafe
Rends my sanity in half
True metamorphosis

The floor is oozing like hot lava
Time and space both fall away
I yell the word abracadabra!
It doesn’t work to my dismay
Then ninjas try to steal my java

What demon spawn of hell is this?
The putrid sludge in the carafe
Rends my sanity in half
True metamorphosis

Stop! No more! They start to scream
Resist the urge to take a sip
My loved ones’ wishes for me stream
To save myself from coffee’s grip
As if from some forgotten dream

No more shall I consume this waste
I banish this poison with all haste
Free from torment, woe, and sorrow
Until I start again tomorrow

I think I might have this...

Pandemic!

A vicious virulent virus has been spotted in Canada! It is up to the public to educate themselves about the nature of this threat so that they can respond with appropriate measures. The following is a summary of what we know about this invader:

Name
The Stupid Flu (neurofuzzingitis)

History
Believed to have been brought to Canada from the USA on US pennies carried across the border by tourists, the Stupid Flu has been slowly worming its way through the population for at least 20 years. A recent mutation in the DNA of neurofuzzingitis has allowed the virus to spread to other forms of currency including US nickels and credit cards including both VISA and Mastercard (American Express not honoured).

Symptoms
(2 or more of the following):

• Lethargy
• Craving for junk food
• Difficulty sleeping
• Daydreaming
• Driving like an idiot
• Watching reality TV
• Loss of interest in work
• Occasional boredom
• Aversion to sounds over 140dB
• Doctor tells you that there’s nothing wrong with you
• Occasional itchiness with no apparent cause that abates when scratched
• Feeling like you’re about to get a cold or the flu for several days without actually developing symptoms

Prognosis
If left untreated a carrier of the Stupid Flu risks any of the following consequences:

• Weight gain around the belly and thighs
• Growth of excess hair on arms, shoulders, or ears
• Gradual loss of sharpness in eyesight
• Purchasing of lottery tickets
• Working at a dead-end job for 20+ years only to transition into an anaemic unfulfilling retirement plan causing the patient to consider going back to work so that they have a reason to get up in the morning
• Warts
• Instant death from brain implosion

Treatment
To eliminate the threat of the Stupid Flu please follow ALL of the following treatment recommendations.

• Wash all parts of your body thoroughly with an abrasive cleanser any time you eat, sneeze, or yawn.
• Rub polysporin on any textile you may have had contact with. Textiles include clothing, window coverings, rugs, bedding, etc.
• Eat a minimum of 300 grams of aged cheddar cheese per day.
• Avoid contact with any person who may be infected with the Stupid Flu.
• If contact with other human beings is unavoidable protect your skin by covering any exposed flesh with a latex shield or plastic wrap.
• Spend at least 2 hours each day watching nostalgic commercials on YouTube.
• Liberally staple strips of nylon to the ceiling of any room you plan to spend time in. The strips should dangle at least 1 meter from the ceiling.
• Bleach every hair on your body, then dye them all bright orange.

By educating yourself and understanding prevention and treatment protocols you and your family can be safe and healthy year-round without fear of catching that Stupid Flu again!

The downside of technology

Things I Have Seen With My Nanny Cam

My house is a serene place, a place of safety and warmth… at least it is whenever I see it. Recently a friend of mine suggested that I get a security camera because of the deal I would get on my insurance. I found a very cleverly camouflaged series of nanny cams and set them up in my home. After a month of recording I reviewed the footage.

This is what happened in my house while I was at work:

• My neighbour’s toddler shimmied in through a window and proceeded to pee in every plant in the house.
• A car crashed through the front of the house. The driver quickly mobilized a clean up crew and a legion of contractors who repaired all the damage with astonishing attention to detail.
• The previous owners of the house snuck in for an acrobatic romantic interlude including a few positions which I had believed to be physically impossible.
• A full musical performance of Oliver Twist was acted out by mice.
• Poltergeist Parcheesi
• A rent in the space time continuum appeared in the dishwasher through which a nearly perfect double of Weird Al Yankovic emerged. He raided the pantry, ate all the Oreos, and left crumbs all over my favourite chair.
• A group of aliens appeared in the front hallway and tried on hats until they were knocked unconscious, probed, and abducted by an entirely different group of aliens.
• All the pictures on the wall came to life! The pictures jumped out of their frames, stripped off their clothes, and formed a conga line that lasted for 4 hours.
• A hoard of stout gnomes emerged from behind the electrical sockets. They formed massive pyramids with their bodies stretching all the way to the ceiling. They then unscrewed all the light bulbs in the light fixtures in the house, brought them to the floor, mixed them up, and then replaced them in the fixtures.

Watch your back Zeus!

Greek Idol

In ancient Greece when a piece of art was commissioned only the most popular Gods were chosen to adorn the piece. The more popular a God was, the more they would be depicted in statues, friezes, urns, poems, and songs. To choose which God to honour, the Greeks held a contest every year to whittle down the list of Gods so that only the most popular would be depicted. This contest was called Greek Idol. Like the Olympics the format of Greek Idol has been adopted in the modern age; we use it today to choose disposable celebrities. Like modern Idol contests there were some Gods who simply didn’t resonate with the public and never made it big. The names of these Gods were lost to the ages… until now!

Greek Idol Rejects:

Pedigunkiphicles: God of toe jam

Drudgiliae: God of boring meetings

Scatoe: God of horse dung

Shovitupus: God of hating one’s job

Oxidizitia: Goddess of rust

Hoarderithia: Goddess of large collections of useless junk

Broccolianiae: Goddess of food that is good for you but tastes bad

Meh: God of apathy

Spametitia: God of reconstituted meat

Trivialitus: God of useless information

Pokeu: God of annoying people

Djaherethizone: God of dirty jokes

Rankwindicius: God of silent farts

Esophoblocogilia: Goddess of choking to death

Itchidermatitis: God of toga rash

Strong and free!

Legal beagles are usually familiar with precedents set in famous cases because it is by these precedents that laws are made and enforced. Lay folks may be familiar with a few of these landmark cases from U.S. law; Roe V. Wade (a constitutionally protected right to choose to have an abortion) or Brown V. Board of Education of Topeka (abolishing racially segregated schools) are two more recognizable examples. So what about Canada? What legal landmarks define our lives? In what I consider to be a public service to all Canadians I have isolated the most important decisions in Canadian legal history.

Marcel Deveaux V. Canadian Human Rights Commission

In this precedent setting court battle the plaintiff Mr. Deveaux argued that a marriage between an Anglophone and a Francophone is constitutionally unfair because of the dilution of French culture inherent in the match. The Supreme Court capitulated and ruled that in mixed marriages the following standards must apply:

• All nagging, pestering, teasing, or arguing must be conducted in both French and English (French must be spoken first)
• The Francophone reserves the right to hold a referendum regarding separation if they are unsatisfied with a household decision
• The hockey team supported by the household must be Montreal, and the team must be referred to as Les Habitants or Les Habs rather than The Canadians
• If a separation or divorce should occur the Anglophone must support the Francophone with transfer payments of no less than 10% of their total earnings

Canadian Lacrosse Association V. Canadian Hockey Association

One of the biggest upsets in Canadian legal history came with the choosing of Canada’s national sport. According to the terms of choosing a national sport the sport had to be invented in Canada, and must be violent enough to be entertaining to watch (a condition which disqualified basketball and musk ox jumping). Even though the Supreme Court largely favoured hockey as the flagship for Canadian sports, a few holdouts prevented the necessary unanimous decision. After months of live demonstrations of both sports in the courtroom (at great taxpayer expense) a new legal precedent was created to break the deadlock in the Supreme Court. The precedent was found to be fair and decisive and continues to be the primary mode of judicial decision making throughout Canada. The decision came down to a single flip of a Bluenose dime.

The People of the Province of Nova Scotia V. Wilson G. Shaughnessy

The case of Wilson Shaughnessy was one of the defining moments in Canadian history. Shaughnessy was charged and convicted of the murder of his brother Joseph during a heated checkers match. At the sentencing the judge Hon. Patrick Larson while handing down the sentence cited Mr. Shaughnessy’s lack of remorse for his actions as the reason for receiving the maximum punishment for his crimes. The judge was quoted in the court transcripts saying: “He didn’t even say sorry!”

This quote was immediately snapped up by defence attorneys across the country and used as a precedent in any criminal trial. Six months after Nova Scotia V. Shaughenssy was the case of The Town of Dawson City, Yukon V. Jimmy “The Vole” Watson where Mr. Watson was able to dodge serious punishment after burning down 3 full blocks in the small Yukon town by specifically apologising while he gave his testimony. His defence attorney cited Nova Scotia V. Shaugnessy when he addressed the court at sentencing saying: “…and the jury will note that for his abominable crimes my client clearly said sorry!”

The Jimmy Watson case sparked a phenomenon where criminals around the country started saying ‘sorry’ every time they committed a crime in hopes that it would relieve their legal responsibility. This pattern caught on quickly with the general public and it became a convention to say sorry immediately after any conflict, tiff, or accidental nudge even if that sorry was unwarranted.

Nova Scotia V. Shaughnessy was overturned after a total of 7 months during the mass murder case of The People of The Yukon Territory V. Jimmy “The Slasher” Watson when the judge stated at sentencing “… and in this case it just seems like maybe saying ‘sorry’ isn’t sufficient as a fair and reasonable punishment.” Even with the precedent overturned Canadians continued to apologize more than was strictly necessary, a trend that continues to this day.